Even though this post is nested under the “How to start the healing” section of the website, in all attempt to help you to keep walking the right path, it is written so that you can not only start but also CONTINUE the healing with more understanding and self-control, with the knowledge that when all is said and done, at the end of the day, homosexuality is one big illusion.
Feelings tell you something else, the world around you tells you something else, your own doubts tell you something else – yet all of these are a part of the illusion, and not the truth.
The part that I could understand easier in my own process of healing, were my doubts and the world – these I could comprehend, that what they were feeding me could be totally incorrect. But I struggled with feelings, asking myself “How do I not trust my feelings? Why then trust any feeling? Aren’t feelings showing me the things that I love, people that I love and don’t they point out to the meaning of life for me?”. Also, people who knew what they were talking about, told me that one must listen to the feeling inside. They were talking deeper than a surface feeling, but I didn’t understand the difference. Instead, I pondered, “But which feeling do I listen to and which do I discard as an illusion and not real or important for me?”.
Feelings come from thoughts. This is a natural fact and it is also explained in other places of this blog, so I won’t go deeper into that.
However, what I do want to show you, is that when you are presented with gay feelings, you have a Biblical and individual right to treat them as the illusion and move on with your life, instead of getting hung up on them and wasting your precious energy on “maybe this, maybe that” vicious cycle. Many of your thoughts are an illusion, and thus many of your feelings are an illusion too. The needs and wants that we developed while becoming gay (including those which started the process of homosexuality in us in the first place) are also the illusion. There is no need for same-sex sexual expression in nature. It does not exist and it has no purpose. We DEVELOPED that illusion that somehow gay feelings are correct and part of our being. That process is explained in detail in the series of blogs under “Overcome the stubborn temptations” section, so I won’t go deeper into that either.
The point is that now, when you are developed into something, you have the mix of lies and the truth in you, in the program of your mind. Many of your habits support the lies in you, including the obsessive gay thinking and feeling, together with a fixation on sexual pleasure. On the other hand, the God given conscience in you provides you with the truth and the sense of right and wrong. That is why some feelings can be trusted and some can’t, no matter how strong they get. All those feelings are a mix of continual work of error as well as the truth, both working in you and producing results at the same time. This is why you get confused. And finally, that is why it is good to trust one feeling and distrust the other, because they came from a different place, from a different source.
In any case, when gay desires, feelings and pictures come alive, REMEMBER that what is presented to you is just an illusion. A smoke screen, a fog. And we don’t need to get upset about the fog, but we wait for the Son to come up and pierce the fog with His rays of light. We wait in faith and self-control and do what we can, in prayer and good action, while waiting. Very soon the fog dissipates and what is left is a clear vision, a clear day.
When you get a desire to watch gay porn (or any porn), say to it “You are an illusion, you are nothing. I am not following the fog.” When you more than observe a good looking guy (or a girl if you are a girl) on TV, say to that “You are a smoke screen, a big illusion, nothing more, and I won’t waste any time on exploring you“. Always remember that what you are doing is not a pretense but a conscious choice of what to focus on- you are utilizing the God given power which makes us different than the animals – you are CHOOSING your life.
“…The Kingdom of Heaven is like a yeast that a woman took and mixed into 50 pounds of flour until IT SPREAD THROUGH ALL OF IT.”
You can observe this truth in two ways:
1. when a little bit of darkness (satan’s yeast) got mixed into the flour, it all became poisoned and full of illusionary emotions;
2. when a little bit of light (God’s yeast) got mixed in to flour, it all became clear. Illusion gone and clear vision and clean life are all around.
Make sure that you mix only God’s yeast in your flour of life and personality. It will spread through the whole of you and then you will know which feeling to follow, because it will be the right feeling and your whole being will be 100% right with it.
God bless you!