Then Simon himself believed also: and when he was baptized, he continued with Philip, and wondered, beholding the miracles and signs which were done.
Simon was a wizard, a sorcerer (about dangers and darkness of sorcery, no matter the popularity of it in the media, some other time). Simon realized that the miracles that the Apostles were doing far exceeded his capabilities, on all fronts.He started to believe and was baptized. Yet, he still wondered. He didn’t know. With salvation there is knowledge. Yet he wondered. Then he did something utterly stupid and mind boggling:
And when Simon saw that through laying on of the apostles’ hands the Holy Ghost was given, he offered them money, saying, Give me also this power, that on whomsoever I lay hands, he may receive the Holy Ghost.
Incredible, ha? And in order to make his request sound more genuine, he even said that he would gladly lay his hands on others so that THEY may receive the Holy Spirit! Yet, the Apostles saw through him and rebuked him for that. He then prayed and even though nothing more was mentioned about him, we know that he got a new chance to make things right.
I was the same. Sure, I could have said “Noo, wait, I never did what Simon did!”, but that would have been a lie, because what matters is the heart that is hard and stubborn, and has wicked plans for his own benefit. And whoever asked me in those days “Do you believe God, Sinisa?”, I had answered “Yes, of course I do!” and I would even feel slightly offended by how they could have ever asked me that question, like “Isn’t that obvious??” Yet, I didn’t believe. And consequently, I was still a slave to my gay impulses and thoughts. Of course, it could not have been any different, when my heart was partly in truth partly in lies and my own little deceiving schemes. And that does not fly with God.
Interesting, ha? Both Simon and I were baptized (I was as a baby). and believed (something), yet we still didn’t know and we still were not saved and we still had a hard, manipulative and manipulating hearts. How is that possible?
Because being a Christian is the process. We are called to let Christ rule in our hearts daily, giving him full power over every aspect of our lives. Anything less than that is a mockery and a farce. You can also see a result of that mockery in so called gay christians – they allowed God to work in them as they wanted Him to, but never submitted their hearts to Him fully and never allowing Him to do His work completely.
Where are you in this story? You know. My point here is that no matter the baptism and no matter that you go to church and no matter that you say that you believe, it means nothing, unless you let go of yourself and surrender to God, fully, completely, no matter what. It is the process, not a one day thing. Therefore, stop beating yourself up because of your imperfections but also stop deceiving yourself that you are higher than you really are. Then, when you do that, the Holy Spirit will do His work too; the wisdom and knowledge will come. You will be a new person, a man or a woman of God.
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
For further read: Acts 5:1-12; James 1:14-17; James 4:1-7