Part three: Becoming
The puberty came. We were already weak because of the reasons mentioned previously. And let’s note it here: some of you have not experienced what was mentioned before, that much. But you saw a gay porn, by accident. And it got you thinking – there was something profoundly and wickedly delicious about it. And few of you felt something beautiful for your best friend (same sex one) and it got you thinking. With so many gay affirming messages around us, the doubts started…and went on…deeper. You know the rest.
Ok, back to the topic.
- By this time (puberty) most of us already experienced bullying; also many of us already had a close same-sex encounter of some sort, usually through play and interaction with our peers, regardless if it happened when we were little kids or young teens (I had my first “gay experience” when I was 5. It had nothing erotic in itself, but later on I convinced myself that it did, at the time when I saw myself as gay).
Our inner world was already formed in the conviction that we are somehow different and we usually saw ourselves less than others.
- Our bodies started to change. Sexual feelings became alive. Sexual organs started to change and be alive. The world of sweetness was at our fingertips. We took it wholeheartedly. It was exciting. Among our friends we spoke about it. We exchanged the experiences of first orgasms and how we did it. Porn magazines and websites changed hands and we eagerly followed each-others’ advices. It became important to know who has a crush on who, and who has a crush on you. Of course you knew who you had crush on and you just couldn’t stop looking at him or her. “Mmm, look at those legs, oh my god those lips, I wish I was your teeth so I can feel your mouth always!”, were some of our thoughts. Then something else happened. Something deeper than the surface of sexuality:
- WE became somebody. If we couldn’t talk to others about many things, we could about sexual exploration. If we didn’t feel worthy to talk about sports or math, we could talk about what happens down there. Suddenly we became EQUAL with everyone else. Suddenly we WERE ASKED about it. We became a part of the herd. We shared something with every single person around us and all of them shared the same thing with us. We became accepted at least with that topic and that experience. It felt good. And even if we still couldn’t find our place in the group, we could find that one person to talk to. That one friend who we could share the secret with – the secret of the stuff done behind the closed door. We could talk about it because we knew that he or she was doing the same thing.In any case, acceptance and belonging bloomed!
These mental and physical processes went on mostly around the age 12 to 15.
- But our previously formed weaknesses were still alive. Maybe dormant for a season, but still there, inside of us, with already deep and strong roots. Those roots demanded water and light to grow. And we provided them with those, by reaching out to our friends (in our minds mostly), sexually. For most of us it started around the age 14-18. This was the time when our gay fantasies intensified and became the daily norm. This became our secret world of perfection and happiness. We loved it! We ran to it as soon as we closed our room door.
- In that imaginary world it was usually us and another person whom we liked, sometimes more of them. Everything was good, everything was possible and the sweetness of that imagination was awesome! We were SPECIAL. We were COOL. We did to our friend or stranger everything that they wanted us to do and they were doing to us everything that we wanted them to do, with no complaint and no putting down. We developed our imaginary world of ACCEPTANCE, BELONGING and SAFETY. It was fortified by sexual sensibility accompanied by masturbation and/or porn – while watching porn, you could project yourself there and suddenly become the all-important and potent person doing things in ecstasy and with no limits whatsoever . Truly those sexual feelings ripping through our body were phenomenal and they made everything 100 times more real, more desirable and more satisfying.
Are you starting to get it? Do you see the connection of the events that went on from the time of being just a kid, through the years of growing up into late teen’s?
- Then it didn’t take long to reach out to someone, in the physical world too. Some of us explored our friend’s body after a wild drunken party while they were asleep…oh yes, we did. Some started gay online chats…and yes, many of you reported that you actually did something of the sexual nature (details omitted on purpose) with your cousin or a friend with both of you awake and in mutual agreement-“just to try it out.”
Of course there are plenty of you that never moved from doing it in your mind to doing it in the physical world with another person, but it doesn’t matter too much. In both cases it all started from within.
I hope that it started to dawn on you what on Earth does masturbation have to do with the feeling of safety. I hope that the light is shining on your understanding on what does having a physical gay experience with another person have to do with the feeling of belonging and how porn watching can give you that powerful burst of self-esteem and all things possible, as well as the feeling of acceptance, that you missed in the real world.
We got our lost safety, acceptance and belonging back: Through the illusion. In the illusion of reality.
Next: The consequences of the illusion.