2: Before Temptations

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Part two: Origin of temptations

In part one it was established that temptations are the weaknesses of the past. Also it was determined that they are connected with feelings of safety, acceptance and belonging.

How so? How is the desire to masturbate connected with the feeling of safety? What on Earth does the desire to watch gay porn have to do with the feeling of acceptance? Where is the connection between a person wanting to have sex with a same-sex person, and the feeling of belonging?

To answer that, first we need to take a brief journey back to our childhood.

Plenty of things happened to us and each story is different, but we all share some of the similarities:

1. We felt rejected or neglected. Why? Because we were, sometimes,rejected or neglected by people from whom we expected protection, understanding and to be there with us and for us. And here is the trick: those people were more or less sure that they were doing good for us. Parents worked long hours so that there is food on the table, thinking that that would suffice. But our little kids’ minds and hearts saw it and felt it differently; we felt alone and last on their list of priorities. If someone was continually yelling at us, we interpreted it as the signal that we are bad and deserving of some punishment. “Why is he doing this to me?” we cried. ” I hate him (or her) and I will get my revenge!”, we shouted inside. If the parent or another significant person was too silent and did not cheer us on in our little adventures of life, we felt insignificant, like no one was paying attention to us. “They don’t care, no one cares.“, we hurt silently.

2. Some of us experienced beatings. But not only beatings that were sometimes justified because of what we did, but beatings that made stronger cut in our souls because during the beating we were told that we were no good and that we were not like our brother, or sister, or nephew or that guy across the street and that they were smarter and stronger. Those blows hurt; a lot. In words more than in slaps.

3. For many of us the family was fully dysfunctional and not only we got our share of hurt personally, but we had, in front of our eyes, the continual turmoil and fight between parents. We felt helpless to change their behaviour and it felt like the whole life around us could be shattered and gone in an instant.

4. The reality for so many of us was growing up with one parent only. And no matter how loving and self-sacrificing our Moms or Dads were, they were usually capable of giving us only what they had: themselves. The second part, another parent, was missing and we weren’t built up with both influences, but only one. We became mama’s boys or daddy’s girls.

5. Some of us grew up too fast. We were praised by a parent and felt loved, but because of some issue in the family we took on ourselves to play the role of an adult, giving us real or imaginary responsibilities. That way we lost the childhood too soon and it just wasn’t fair.

6. Most of us grew up not liking our bodies. We compared our toes or fingers with our same-sex friends’ toes and fingers and we concluded that theirs are better looking than ours. Many of us guys found our chest and shoulders too tiny and narrow and we felt less significant than others in our group. No matter if a girl or a boy, we somehow always saw other same-sex people as better looking and more confident and cool than we were.

8. We had parents telling us innocently and worriedly: “Why don’t you go and do what they are doing? Why do you behave like this?”; “You still have a kids’ voice, I hope that your voice will be deep, just like your grandfather’s!”; “Why are you so slim? Look at other girls your age, they look better! You must eat!”; And on and on and on.

7. What else? Sexual abuse. Done to some of you, by someone, whoever…you name it. There was something so shameful in the secrecy of that act that it removed the dignity out of many of you, especially since you were threatened that if you told someone, that you would be punished and made into a public disgrace.

Folks, the scenarious are countless. What is the common thing for all of them, whether they are mentioned here or not? What is the common denominator, the line drawn under all of them?

WORTHLESSNESS. Slowly but surely, over the months and years, with us being totally unaware, we all started to feel like crap, like a mistake. Our world was spinning out of control. Without any knowledge of what was going on, we felt neglected and not good enough, incomplete, fragile and shaky. We saw ourselves as having just a fragment of our friends’ strength and popularity. Note here that some of the things mentioned above happened to all people, gay or straight, but for us it was many things at the same time and we missed that strong support coming from adults, that we desperately needed. We also missed discipline. Because we developed weaknesses earlier in life, many of us were treated differently, more softly. And this made us even softer to life.

We became weak. We lost the backbone of our greatness and character. The feelings of inferiority took over and became so powerful that sooner or later they seeped through our whole being, leaving us powerless to be who we were created to be. Not knowing why and not knowing how it all happened, it became hard to live.

The feeling of being WORTHLESS  became much stronger than the feelings of SAFETY, ACCEPTANCE and BELONGING. We lost our peace and sense of direction. We lost the strength and a smile of a confident child.

And then…the puberty hit and it became ever more significant to be somebody!

We quickly needed to find a way to get our safety, acceptance and belonging back! We had to get the missing pieces back.

 

Part three: Putting it all together

 

 

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