- Listen to your conscience – it screams against acts of homosexuality in order to protect you from death;
- Pray a lot. Read Bible a lot;
- Remove yourself from all things gay and from gay people who support homosexuality;
- Talk to your Christian friend, a close one. If you don’t have any, go talk to your God fearing, Bible believing pastor/priest
- Don’t make any final decisions while in the confused state of mind.
My personal experience with homosexual sin and what helped me the most in my recent battle, is in this post, below. Read the whole of it! -You are not alone and it is not happening to you only. And Jesus is here for all of us.
“Even in the midst of my craziness I knew that I needed to tip the scales on the side of God and life, again, if I were ever to survive this onslaught of darkness.” – from my post.
You know the familiar rush of blood to your head. You know the stomach churning, gripping sensation in your belly. You looked at him again. It was just a random guy on a busy street, but you could not have missed him. You pretend it is nothing. You say to yourself “that’s just a temptation, it will go away.”, yet the feeling stays with you on your way home.You seemingly forgot about it. Yet, in the boring hour of the late afternoon, you somehow feel restless.
“Nah, I won’t bother, no way I ‘m gonna go down that road again.”, you take a glass of water and turn the TV on. After a few minutes you realize that you have not been following what’s in front of you, but are trying to decide which gay website to go to,
“That one from before, or this new one? Oh the hell, I’m just gonna check it out and then close it.”
In the end, it’s not the guy from the street – you barely remember him, but it’s a guy on your screen. It’s a guy, after all.
Why is this happening to us? How come that we can be so certain that we overcame something or that we are much stronger, only to find ourselves deep in the mud again? And then, instead of stopping it all and repenting immediately, we get so defensive that we even decide not to call it a mud any more, but just “how things are, but it’s nothing serious, It’s just an episode”.
No, it’s not just an episode. It’s an addiction; a killing, suffocating and merciless addiction. It turned me against myself. I almost killed my conscience alarm bells that were louder than the bells on Titanic the night it sank. My inner awareness of knowing that what I was doing was wrong, created a living nightmare: within a day or two I started losing sleep and managed to get just three to four of hours a night, even with Melatonin caps. My mind became foggy, the nervousness returned, not because of less sleep (I already knew how I felt when I slept less but was ok and in peace), but because of going against my own self- going against someone who I should cherish and love a lot- me.
Yet my own craziness got so intense that all I could think about was “When will I get another notification? Shall I maybe try another website where I will finally start some meaningful gay conversation?” Haha, “meaningful gay conversation” – that’s a new one.
When I tried to ask myself what’s the purpose of it all and what was I really trying to get, to achieve, to receive, I had no real answer. Sure, lust and pleasure were the answer, but me, not being a teenager any more, certainly could not agree with that alone. After all, wasn’t I supposed to look for and seek a deeper meaning in life, in a relationship?
It was really pathetic: I, an addict, completely incapable of stopping the addiction which purpose I didn’t understand. Could anyone else be that crazy, or was it just me?
It is you and me and countless others who one way or another decided to believe in our feelings all over again, instead of believing in God and believing God. How could we ever say “I believe!” with such a strength and determination, only to succumb to our feelings for which we already knew and experienced that they tend to lead us astray, into the dark woods of dead trees, dusty cobwebs and crawling snakes?
No no, dear folks, we have no luxury of pretense any more. We cannot go on pretending that we are stronger than we are. We cannot continue in sin, arrogantly seeing ourselves as being more powerful than devil. We cannot try to fool ourselves or God any more. We must decide who we believe. Because where our hearts are, there we are also.
I was reminded exactly about that. I had a series of serious talks with my best friends. I, as a grown up, was totally free to decide for myself, but they reminded me of what I already knew to be true and what I already stood for- I was shocked how easily I tend to forget truth and common sense when I go into sin. In our talks, I said it like it is: how I wanted to have sex with men, how I wanted a romance, how I wanted it all and how I couldn’t resist. There is something so liberating in saying out loud that which you have held in your mind and heart for a long time; there is something significant in hearing yourself saying your own secrets to another person, of course to the one who loves you no matter what. It breaks, at least partially, the power of sin, because suddenly you see your problem in a much lighter way. As long as I held it inside, I was in prison of my own thoughts and desires and they completely consumed me. Yet, once spoken to a friend, it all wasn’t such a big deal any more. It was like hearing yourself and then saying to yourself “Ok, so what? My desires and temptations are not that powerful or unbreakable, as they felt they were, just minutes ago.”
For the first time in my life I truly learned the importance of listening to my conscience. Alarm bells went off every single time when I decided to do gay stuff online. I would feel like something is wrong, like I was doing something bad for me and that I was going against myself and my health, my life overall. And I was. This God given gift-our conscience, is an ever present guardian of our souls and we MUST listen to it, if we want to live the life that is best for us. In those foggy moments when all I could think of was another guy and his body, I would always find a way to excuse myself from my conscience, like it’s nothing, but still, my conscience would not let go- sometimes it took an hour or more after the sin was done, to get the inescapable and convincing feeling that I messed up again. My conscience was really trying to teach me and steer me away from a disaster. Listen to it. And if there are times when you are so confused that you don’t even know what to listen to and what to do, you can always check back with Bible to see what’s the truth.
Another thing I did, I started to pray intensely and to read Bible no matter the lustful feeling that was calling me to the other side. I told myself “I will read because I know it works. I will now, this moment, sit down and read it, and let the Bible do its’ work.” Then, usually few hours or a day later I would be enveloped in sin again. But still, afterwards, I would read Bible and pray again and again. Even in the midst of my craziness I knew that I needed to tip the scale on the side of God and life, again, if I were ever to survive this onslaught of darkness.
Also, I watched an amazingly inspiring movie by the name “I am Gabriel” and got reminded about the importance and priority of prayer, constant prayer. Immediately after watching it, I deliberately and without any agreement with my flesh started to spend more time on my knees, just talking to Jesus. Soon my prayer times extended into an hour and longer, at times, every single day. Within few days, the spark of hope got ignited in me and I went for sin less and less. I wasn’t pushing myself into anything -actually I was sternly warned not to make any rush decisions. I got reminded that as long as I was in a confused state of mind, I was not to make any final and definite decisions, but to wait until I got myself back together. So, I simply got back in peace, more or less, and by praying and reading Bible and pondering on the words of my friends, I got back to the state of calm and clear mind. It was possible to think again. What a relief.
Then, after awhile, I was asked the question. Silently, in my inner self, the question was asked: Who do you choose? And my response was: I choose God.
I sleep well again.
I was on the cross-roads. And you are too.
I walked the thin line more than once, at least four times, that I can remember. And every time I stayed with God, on His side of the line. The last time, however, I slightly crossed that line, but remained with one foot on God’s side. But I crossed it. I was allowed to stand with one foot here one foot there, but only for a short while, not for long – every new day the hell was opening wider for me. When you try to stand on both sides,very fast you lose your ground. You are counted as a goner, as a dead beat.
I keep praying and believing that you will choose God too! You already know that He is the life you want.
Listen to your conscience- it is right. Listen to God and His Word- He is right. Listen to Christians (who stick to Bible 100%)- they discern your issues well and know what’s going on and how to help you out.
Post your experiences and comments below.