Vomit – June 26

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Soon after, Richard left back for The States, leaving me wanting more. At the same time I got plenty of material to keep the fantasy alive in my mind.

In a few days I received his first e-mail. He wrote about how great time he had with me, never using any words that would really describe what happened, as if afraid that the content of the e-mail could fall into the wrong hands. I followed accordingly.
‘No one can see the screen.’ I was turning my head around in the internet cafe. People were walking here and there and those sitting were glued to their screens.
Actually, the very idea that someone might know or find out the secret of my life was so remote that I couldn’t give it more than a few seconds’ thought.
‘ He’s a cool guy.’ I concluded happily.
I was continually reminding myself:  ‘ Wow, I was with a man. Wow, that’s great. Wow! ‘ I didn’t know why, though. I was not impressed on any level with him, except with his attention towards me. And have I had the courage to look deeper into this matter, I would have concluded that I liked him and his body because of simply being the body of a man who noticed me in a special way. Nothing else. I didn’t get anything special from that body and I didn’t give anything special. Not to mention anything deeper. But just the fact that I was with the man who liked me or my body and who was pleased of being with me, was good enough for me. It helped to keep the fantasy. Within few weeks our internet conversation became somewhat dry and not interesting.
It was time to move on.
‘To whom will I move on? Shoot, I want a man, any man. They are great.’ I thought non-stop.

But nothing was happening. For a very long time. All I did was watching men while living and going around day by day.
‘Oh, Gary is looking at me. Maybe he wants me. But how can I tell? I cannot just do something. If I’m wrong…I can’t even think what would happen and everyone would know.’
Since I was scared to make any move toward any man, I did my best to have another world alive in my mind at all times. It was the world of constant sex with men. It was the world that surpassed any porn movie scenes. I loved it.

“Hey Sinisa, how about grabbing some girl for yourself?” One friend asked me one day, as the four of us were having a beer on one of the many city’s patios. I saw men turning their heads after good looking girls wearing the newest Italian fashion.
‘ They are turning their heads after those girls and I cannot feel anything for them. Whether they walk by me or not, means nothing. I don’t know. ‘ The thought occured in a split second and then I turned to him to answer:
“Yea it would be great to have her.” I said trying hard to sound real, but even to myself I sounded like a vomit. I looked down.
‘I will never be able to get the girl. I can’t. Not after what happened between me and Christine.                                     

‘I don’t feel anything for any girl any more.’ The thoughts were heavy and the reality of them was too hard to bear.
So hard that the escape into my secret world was the only option. There I had my unquenchable feelings fulfilled. There was no failure in that world. There was no conflict.

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