This website is for sharing with you my story of how I became gay and how believing God and following Jesus changed my life for better.
What is happening to you? What are your questions for which it looks like there are no answers? Mine were something like this:
“Am I gay or straight?”, “I feel so many different feelings that I really have no clue.”, “I think I am gay, but when I say to myself that I am, it somehow doesn’t feel right.”, “I want to be straight, but why do I feel so great by looking at that guy over there?”, ” I like men so much, for sure I am gay. Or…?”
The list of questions is probably endless. At least it was endless in my case.
First I had wild fantasies about men and having sex with them. Then I had boyfriends and I, man, became physically intimate with other men. My imaginations became somewhat real. I felt all juiced up. I thought I loved those men. But no; I didn’t care about them and their life. Only their bodies and attention I craved. Also, I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know what love was and how to love. I knew how to lust. I wasn’t bisexual-women were not of my interest. My life started to be pointless and no matter where I looked, the emptiness was close by. Silently I screamed for answers, all the while somehow managing to hold the mask of a good man who is cool and happy with his life.
Enthusiastically I bought few self-help books. They didn’t help. Yoga and meditation were promised as the answers to worry and despair. They didn’t help. Inspirational books which told me to think positively were supposed to lift me up to heavens. They didn’t help either. The advice usually worked for a week and then I was back to my old ways, lustful and like in prison. The therapist didn’t help either. After many sessions I asked him: “Doctor, who am I ?”, he answered “I don’t know.” I was crushed. The only thing left to do was to admit the truth to myself and others. “I am gay,” I told to two of my best friends, expecting the massive punishment. It didn’t come. They accepted and loved me beyond my wildest expectations. Others reacted the same way. I fell into my mom’s embrace, shaking like a leaf in the wind. But her hug and soft face melted the years of anguish and fear away. I was still the son whom she loved the same as the first time she held me in her arms, on the day she brought me into this world. I received the encouragement of friends who told me: “Cheer up! You are fine. It will all be good.” Their acceptance made me happy for a while but it did not solve the problem, as I was soon to find out.
Soon after, convinced that I was a happy and carefree gay and feeling the new freedom, I did the first thing that popped up in my mind: I went to the gay night club, few blocks away from where I lived. I knew that there I would find what I wanted, as I did before. Well dressed and with a hint of perfume that was supposed to floor all around me, I entered the club. What I saw made my jaw drop and the bewildered look was on my eyes. I saw the bunch of people going nowhere. I saw the empty eyes yearning for me. My stomach and insides felt like they were crunched and smashed. I knew then and there that I was not to be the part of them. Not knowing how this happened, but trusting in the realization in front of my eyes, panting for air I rushed outside. With my back turned to the night club door I said aloud: “NEVER AGAIN!”
The battle started. I didn’t know what to do next. I realized though, that it was not about being accepted by my friends and family. That was very important but it was not about them. It was about me.
In effect, by loving me, my family and friends gave me the freedom of choice. I didn’t even know about the choice until then. It scared me. I didn’t know what to do with it. Having a choice meant having responsibility. I didn’t want that. But I learned that I would be loved no matter what I chose and that was comforting for a moment. However, to remain the immature child could not work any more.
So, the decision day came. Scared and brave,I chose what I knew was right. Then the whole hell broke loose. The more I wanted out, the tougher it became. But eventually, after a long fight, after a long time of being scared to death and falling ever again into gay behavior, the confirmation that I chose what was right, came to me: I began to be in peace and felt much stronger than before. Phase by phase, homosexuality lost its’ grip on me. I was encouraged by the Christian friend to keep going on and soon after everything was explained to me…
I was under the attack of demonic forces and I didn’t even know it then. But I knew the pain. It was real and many times I felt like the death was near. We are attacked because of our goodness, and our weaknesses make us the easy target. But we can fight back. I did it and like many more before me, you can do it too. We can fight back because we are loved; loved by God and loved by people. There is more to you than meets the eye! You can do it!
Know that you are a good person, that’s why you are attacked. If you don’t have any spiritual background, like I didn’t have any, this may be hard to understand, but it is true.
The Bible is true. Every single promise of God to us who believe, is reality. Jesus Christ is the healer and I tell you that He is one awesome God! With Him whatever was impossible for me, became possible and doable. The beauty of Him being the number one in my life is not easy to be expressed in few words, so all that I will say is: TRUST HIM! He knows you and He loves you! Bible’s promises are totally real and they are for you if you want to come out on the other side like a hero. And you are not alone.